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Join Me:The Book Contents
This page has been the work of a couple of weeks skim-reading the book, pulling out references and typing them up. At the moment, many of the links lead nowhere, but with your help we can create a more thorough guide to what different elements of the book mean, where certain places are, who certain people are. So if, for example, you know about Belgium, for example, write about it by selecting the link. If, however, you know more about Chocolate oranges, write about them instead. And don't worry about getting details wrong, someone can always edit the details later... (see also 'Want to get involved?') Now onto the book. I've split it into several easy to digest parts, but the grouped headings for the chapters are my own, and not from the book. The Contents are as follows: Dedication This is for my grandma, Irma Breitenmoser. And, of course, for Gallus. Prologue Hello there. My name's Danny Wallace. I'm very pleased to meet you. First things first... This was never meant to be a book. It was a piece of whimsy. A silly little half-project. But thanks to a huge and diverse group of perfect strangers, it became something much bigger. I'm still trying to work out how. You look lovely today, by the way. In all but a few cases, the names of the people I've written about are completely accurate. Same goes for the photos. In those few cases where I've changed one or the other, I've done so to save anyone any embarassment, or because they're bigger than me and they asked. You've lost weight. Are you working out? I like those shoes. So I hope you enjoy the book, and once again - thank you to everyone who took part in the following few hundred pages. I think you're great. Cheers! Danny Wallace, Volgograd, March 2003 This prologue also contains what may be the first example of an 'indirect compliment'. Chapters 1-5: Birth Chapter One (accompanied by a picture of Joinee Jones’s passport photo) 1. In the beginning was the Word. 2. And the word was There. There is a man who lives in Camden, North London, who once made me very happy. He’d written me a letter. This is what it said: To whom it may concern, As requested, here is my passport photo. I have also troubled myself to include our local Indian restaurant menu, and can recommend the Chicken Dansak if you’re ever in the area and feeling hungry. I look forward to hearing about the next step in our endeavours. Cheers, Christian Jones London NW1 And that’s how the story begins. Or at least how the first chapter begins. The story actually begins a little earlier, as explained a little further into Chapter One: ‘ ‘Like all good books, this takes place just after the death of an old Swiss man.’ ‘ * In this chapter we are introduced to: Joinee Jonesy, Gallus, Hanne and 'Dave' Chapter Two (accompanied by a picture of great uncle Gallus Breitenmoser, 1912-2003) 6. It came to pass that Daniel entered the land of the Swittish, wherein were gathered a multitude of his elders and kinsmen. 7. And they lifted up their voice with instruments of musick, with cymbals, psalteries, and with harps. 8. And it was a day of gladness and feasting, and a good day. A chapter about the funeral of great uncle Gallus, and the strange legacy he left behind. * In this chapter we are introduced to: Mosnang in Switzerland, some of Danny’s family Chapter Three (accompanied by a picture of the Madras Valley menu) 10. Hanne took great indignation, and her face did gather blackness. 11. So Daniel fell on his face and offered tithes of grain. 12. And there was a calm. * The Joinee Counter makes it’s first appearance: "1 Joinee". In which Danny and Hanne travel across London to visit the Madras Valley ‘restaurant’, and Danny returns alone. * In this chapter we are introduced to: The Madras Valley, 'Ian', The Horse & Groom and Dennis M. Hope Chapter Four (accompanied by a passport photo of Joinee Cobbett) 1. In the year one thousand nine hundred seventy and six was born to the family of Jones a son; and his name was Christian. 2. And he was to become the First. * The Joinee Counter declares: "Still 1 Joinee". Where-upon Danny goes to Camden to visit Joinee Jones and later his flatmate, Mr Cobbett. *In this chapter we are introduced to: Camden, The World’s End, Joinee Cobbett and Joinee Saskia. Also ‘Jon’ and the Join Me Website Chapter Five (accompanied by a picture of Joinee Gaz) 5. And it came to pass in an eveningtide that Daniel walked upon the great path of wisdom and understanding. 6. And beside the path he laid a stone tablet where-upon he wrote his covenant. 7. And a great multitude saw his words and were delivered unto him. * The Joinee Counter declares: "3 Joinees." The passport photos begin to trickle in, and we meet Mr Gaz Haman. *In this chapter we are introduced to: Joinee Teller, Joinee Webster, ‘Joinee Haman’, Chandos, the term ‘The Leader ’. Chapters 6-10: Guidance Chapter Six (accompanied by a picture of many many passport photos) 97. And even there were fourscore and seventeen. 96. And even there were fourscore and eighteen. 97. And even there were fourscore and nineteen. * The Joinee Counter declares: "100 Joinees." Danny announces success to Ian, who prompts him to go for 1,000 Joinees. * In this chapter we are introduced to no-one new. But the bar has been raised. Chapter Seven (accompanied by a picture of the JOIN ME poster) 14. Let him that hath understanding count the number on his shoulder: for the number is PC Six Hundred Threescore and Six. * The Joinee Counter declares: “105 Joinees”. Danny gets a designer of gnomes to create a poster for him. * In this chapter we are introduced to: Joinee Glanville, Joinee Jones, Joinee Pyle, Joinee Davies, Joinee Vid, Joinee Fletcher, (ex) Joinee Jade Joinee Whitby, The East End, That Policeman Chapter Eight (accompanied by a picture of Raymond Price reaching into his jacket pocket) No verses of Join Me Gospel for this Chapter, instead being there being thePoem For The Joinee by Platinum Joinee Whitby (aged 30). *The Joinee Counter declares: “124 Joinees”. Concerned that Join Me lacks direction, Danny challenges Joinees that are meeting up in London to make old men very happy. *In this chapter we are introduced to: The Letters of Gallus, Old men (or rather the idea of making them happy), The Envoy of Gallus, Harrods, Hyde Park, Hammersmith, Joinee Jess, Joinee Nedelec, Joinee Vallance, Raymond Price, a 'Higher Power'. Chapter Nine (accompanied by a picture of Danny and a table covered in Joinee photos and mail) 11. Daniel did bring forth bread, and cheese of kine. 12. And Daniel laid the cheese upon the bread, and placed them in the oven. 13. And presently out of the oven issued fire and brimstone, and the smoke thereof ascended as the smoke of a furnace, and verily, the kitchen did quake mightily. *The Joinee Counter declares: “200 Joinees”. Buoyed by the success of his ‘old man’ initiative, Danny sends out 100 cameras, and gets more letters in the mail, including Bad News about Raymond Price, and Good News in the form of Joinee 201. *In this chapter we are introduced to: Joinee Saunders Chapter Ten (accompanied by a picture of Joinee Saunder’s passport photo) 1. In the fiftieth year of the reign of Elizabeth queen of Britons, Daniel went forth to the land of Scotia. 2. And there he beheld a great temple, and before it a priest. 3. And the priest spake unto Daniel, saying, Hear ye the Leper Messiah, and hearken to the Phantom Lord. 4. And Daniel was astonished, and said, How canst though preach such iniquity? 5. And the priest answered, saying, Och, well, perhaps you should start with some of their earlier stuff. Like ‘Ride The Lightening’. Now that’s vintage Metallica, that is. 6. When he had spoken these things the priest wrought lewdness; and Daniel was filled with fear. 7. But the priest gave Daniel provision, and shelter, and it was good. 6. And at the cockcrowing Daniel went on his way. *The Joinee Counter declares: “201 Joinees”. Danny travels to Inverness to meet Joinee Saunders and ask for spiritual advice. *In this chapter we are introduced to: Inverness, Inverness Airport, Joinee Saunders (properly), his wife Jane Saunders, Urquart Castle, Inverness Cathedral, ‘Cynthia’. Oh, and Metallica. Chapters 11-15: Doubts Chapter Eleven (accompanied by a picture of Danny beneath the Eiffel Tower, with a board urging ‘Join Moi The French’) 16. And Estelle the Parisian was very wroth, and her countenance fell. 17. And Daniel said unto Estelle, Why art thou wroth? And why is thy countenance fallen?. 18. And Estelle said, Intendest thou not to bless the female stricken in age as thou blesseth the male stricken in age?. 19. And Daniel lowered his eyes and was speechless without all hope of life. *The Joinee Counter declares: “213 Joinees”. Danny keeps his promise to Joinee Saunders, traveling to Paris to meet the first ‘international’ Joinee, and later encountering the mystical Space Toad. *In this chapter we are introduced to: France, Paris, Joinee Estelle, Joinee Space Toad and Coypu Consciousness. Chapter Twelve (accompanied by a picture of KP roasted peanuts) 2. And Haley Joel Osment spake unto them, saying, This is me, and this is three other people, and I’m going to help them. 3. And the multitude were aggrieved, and put their fingers in their throats. *The Joinee Counter declares: “245 Joinees”. Danny tries to track down the elusive Raymond Price, argues ‘The Karma Army’ is nothing like ‘Pay It Forwards’, and encourages random acts of kindness every ‘Good Friday’. *In this chapter we are introduced to: In this chapter we are introduced to: Joinee Baxter, ‘Adam’ at Teignmouth News, the term ‘Karma Army’, the term ‘Good Friday’, the film Pay It Forwards, Joinee Gibson, Joinee Downs, Joinee Flannery, Joinee Burham, Joinee James, Joinee Foley, The Reverend Joinee Meldrum, Sophie Moore and Mark Stephens, ‘Helen’, That old Sheffield man. Chapter Thirteen (accompanied by a press clipping from the Inverness Courier) 1. And it came to pass that the words of Daniel were heard by a second Daniel, son of Ander. 2. And Daniel - nay, but the other one - was mending a chariot brought out from the land of the Ikeans. *The Joinee Counter declares: “284 Joinees”. Danny, spurred on by coverage by the Inverness Courier, decides to visit Joinees all around the country, returning home after a strange meeting with ‘Joinee Benjamin’ to further bad news. *In this chapter we are introduced to The Inverness Courier, Argos, The Onion Girl, ‘Johny’, Bath, Joinee Sansom, Joinee Jones of Bath, Danny’s Parents, Bath Abbey, The Pump Room, Chippenham, Joinee Jonathan, ‘The Book Of Joinees’, Swindon, Joinee Taylor, Joinee Rachel, Didcot Parkway, Joinee Anderson, Reading, Joinee Thomas, Reading University, Paddington Station, ‘Joinee Benjamin’. Chapter Forteen (accompanied by a press clipping from the Argus) 22. And Daniel wept, and howled with bitterness of heart. 23. Then he returned unto his place. *The Joinee Counter declares: “290 Joinees”. Wherein Danny reveals the truth about Raymond Price, and fails to uncover him in Teignmouth, Devon. *In this chapter we are introduced to: The Argus (in particular an article featuring Beverley Cherrill, the prosecution, Warwick Tatford, the defence, Anthony Thorpe, the judge), The Taxi-driver, Mr I. Jackson, The King William IV. Chapter Fifteen (accompanied by a picture of Danny, the boys from Newcastle, and the ‘Magnificent Seven’) 1. After these things Daniel sojourned heretofore in Greece, and came upon seven princes from the north. 2. And these seven princes were minded to know seven comely daughters of Barnsley, who also were gathered there. 3. But the princes were abashed. *The Joinee Counter declares: “314 Joinees”. In which Danny meets a couple of musicians, goes on holiday to get away from it all, and re-discovers the cause. *In this chapter we are introduced to: Vis a Vis’ (‘Wayne’ and ‘Christopher’), ‘Fletcher’ from Loughborough, Malia in Crete, ‘The Professor’, The Newcastle Lads (Patrick, Ian, John, Ryan, Simon, Stephen, Tom), The Magnificent Seven, ‘Gavin’ (the joiner), Anna Bailey, Richard Bailey. Chapters 16-20: Momentum Chapter Sixteen (accompanied by passport photos of Chris and Wayne from ‘Vis a Vis’) 9. And, behold, the words of Daniel reached a damsal of fiery seasoning, not red and yet not brown. 10. And the damsel did give ear, and was beguiled. *The Joinee Counter declares: “409 Joinees”. In which Danny returns from holiday to discover the Karma Army has carried on without him, in which Danny works on the Join Me Anthem, and in which Newcastle awakens to a brand new message. *In this chapter we are introduced to: Joinee Geert Stadeus, Geri Halliwell, The Vis a Vis studio in Middlesex, The Voice of Polish Butter, The Raymond Price Fund For Keeping Raymond Price Out Of Trouble (AKA ‘TRPFFKRPOOT’), The Newcastle Evening Chronicle, The Guardian, The Sunday Sun, Newcastle, Tyne Bridge, ‘Jamie’. This chapter also ends with a picture of a newpaper clipping from the Chronicle) Chapter Seventeen (accompanied by a picture of Danny in Brussels) 15. Then Daniel met with Annalies, an exceeding beautiful maiden whose height was threscore cubits. *The Joinee Counter declares: “448 Joinees”. Danny is invited to Belgium, to appear on The Laatste Show, and takes the opportunity to spread his message to the Belgium masses. *In this chapter we are introduced to: Belgium, The Laatste Show, Bruno Wyndaele, Joanna Lumley, Tom Jones, Roger Moore, Sam de Graeve, ‘Anna’, ‘Anders’, ‘Mike’, Brussels, ‘Cecilie’, ‘Frank’ at De Standaard, A Lady and Her Companion, ‘Annalies’, The Belgian Minister for Culture, The Depressed Footballer, the word ‘Lebstromonous’, The Grand Place, ‘Peter’ at De Standaard, Bonsoir Clara, The Ibis Hotel, ‘Anya’, ‘Waldemar’, Joinee Steven, Joinee Van Veen, ‘Raymond’ the journalist, ‘Joan’, The Elderly Belgian, ‘Philip’, “the power of television, huh?”, Joinee Inge and the official Join Me bar of Brussels, La Sorciere de Heks, The Belgian Collective. Chapter Eighteen (“Come on, Arlene…”) (accompanied by a picture of Danny on De Laatste Show) *The Joinee Counter declares: “481 Joinees”. Danny’s email correspondence with ‘Arlene’. *In this chapter we are introduced to: Arlene Baptiste, Olivier Baptiste. Chapter Nineteen (accompanied by a picture of many new passport photos) 6. Now Daniel's knees smote one against the other, for his cogitations much troubled him. 7. But there was a letter sent unto him by Kathleen of Veen. 8. And the letter held goodly pleasant things, and words of peace and truth. 9. And Daniel made a joyful noise. *The Joinee Counter declares: “565 Joinees”. Danny returns to London, happy with his success in Belgium. *In this chapter we are introduced to: ‘Isle’, 'Geovanni', 'Blijke' Joinee Els, 'Verona', 'Nathalie', 'Nele', 'Ciska', 'Wilfried', 'Didier', 'Tamara', 'Huda', 'Bjorn', 'Sophie', 'Joost', Joinee Slootmaekers, the term ‘Thicky’, Belgian papers: Het Belangvan Limburg; Gazette van Antwerp; Het Laatste Niews, Joinee Vanden Bossche, Hanne’s dad and his cure for fever, Danny’s mum and her cure for fever, Lilt, Gloria Hunniford’s Open House, Joinee Austin, ‘Little Max’, ‘Gemma’, Joinee Warren, Joinee Willis, Joinee Harfield, The Weakest Link. Chapter Twenty (accompanied by a picture of Whitby’s ‘Can I Help?’ poster) 5. And, lo, the words of Daniel were heard in London; and in the shire of the Hamps; and in the shire of the Berks. *The Joinee Counter declares: “654 Joinees”. Danny meets up with Whitby, his nemesis, in London, and has a serious talk with Hanne. *In this chapter we are introduced to: The Yorkshire Grey, Mike Gayle, Joinee Whitby in the flesh, Berkshire, Hampshire, Robert Mugabe. Regent’s street McDonalds, Regents Street, ‘Twins’, Danny Devito, Arnold Schwarzennegger, Borders, Carnaby Street, ‘Janne’, ‘Peter the Driver’, Starbucks, The ‘Can I Help?’ Collective. Chapters 21-25: Almost Lost Chapter Twenty One (accompanied by a picture of a press clipping from Asian Xpress) 10. And so the army of Daniel was swelled by folks of divers complexions, from every city and province. 11. So long as they were pale. *The Joinee Counter declares: “698 Joinees”. After spending time being the perfect boyfriend, Danny is encouraged to recruit joinees a bit less… white. *In this chapter we are introduced to: ‘Mr Daniel Frederick Wallace’, Chocolate Oranges, Oxford, Brighton, Joinee Hope, Joinee Graham, Leicester, Joinee Cross, ‘Chloe’, Watford, Joinee Armstrong (a carpenter), Ruislip, Moroccan Joinee Sabry (a university lecturuer), Edgware, Joinee Fordham, Ladbroke Grove, Joinee Tatum, Joinee Garden, Joinee Watson, Joinee Summers, Joinee Wong, Amar Singh, Asian Xpress, Bow, Bow Business Centre, Bow Bells, The Raj, David Koresh, Joinee Banarjee, Joinee Bhoghall, Joinee Khan, Joinee Sarmah, The Chuckle Brothers, Bread, Gubs Hayers, BBC Asian Network, The Late Show, How To Succeed With Girls, Steve Marshall, BBC Radio 2, Steve Wright In The Afternoon, Miles Mendoza, Mark Goodier, Joinee Turner, ‘Jo Johns’, ‘Brian’, The Ruby Wax Show, Ruby Wax, The London College of Printing, Joinee Woollven, Joinee Douglas, Northampton, Joinee Wilkins, Destruction Derby Online, Alan Robson, Joinee Els, Christmas, Poland, Italy, The Czech Republic, {{Singapore]], {{Hong Kong]], Mumbai, Addis Ababa, Ethipia, Dublin, Amsterdam, Martijn Flatland. Chapter Twenty Two (accompanied by a press clipping of De Telegraaf, featuring the 'haunting' artwork of Dilys de Jong) 1. In those days Daniel entered into a winged chariot and journeyed to the land of Holl. 2. There he made smooth the hairs upon his lip. 3. When he had done this he departed thence. *The Joinee Counter declares: “852 Joinees”. Danny goes on a flying visit to Amsterdam, only to discover too late that Hanne's flying visit has been put off, and his secret is out. * In this chapter we are introduced to: The Netherlands, Amsterdam, Amsterdam Schiphol Airport, Denise at De Telegraaf, Holland, the term 'A special', The Dutch, The Leidseplein, The Palladium, 'Tanya', 'Anders', Joinee D'Huyvetter, 'Je Snor Drukken', 'Wim'. Chapter Twenty Three (accompanied by a defaced Join Me sticker, cheerily defaced with the word Twat) 26. Happy is the man that locketh his drawers; for he shall prolong his days. *The Joinee Counter declares: “862 Joinees”. Danny returns home, to find his relationship in tatters. * In this chapter we are introduced to: Islington, The Royal Inn, Victoria Park, Paul Kenny, The GMB Union. Chapter Twenty Four (accompanied by a press clipping of the snowy landscape of Fagerness) 3. A cold north wind did blow; and the water was congealed into ice, and Daniel trembled in nakedness. 4. And Daniel was almost lost. 5. But Hanne the Norwegian had pity upon Daniel, and did fashion for him a coat of many colours from the hair of her beard. *The Joinee Counter declares: “862 Joinees”. Danny goes to Norway, to get his girlfriend back. * In this chapter we are introduced to: Oslo, The Europa shopping centre, Fagerness, 'Emily', New Year's Eve, 2001, The Fagerness Tavern, The big green ELKS jumper. Chapter Twenty Five (accompanied by a press clipping of the Oslo Afterposten) 10. Then Daniel consorted with Paal, son of Peder, a soothsayer and a mighty man of wealth. *The Joinee Counter declares: “862 Joinees”. Having failed to get his girlfriend back, Danny returns home via Oslo, where he attempts to get more people to join him. * In this chapter we are introduced to: 'Erik', The Scotsman pub, Karl Johans Gate, 'Per' from Averoy (first mentioned in Chapter 21, but not by name), 'Simen' at The Aftnposten, Paal Pedersen at TV2, Cornwall, Edinburgh, This Morning WIth Richard and Judy, 'Big Al', Michael Buerk, The Domkirke, 'The Karaoke Van', 'Steiner', 'Johanne'. Chapters 26-30: If You Can't Beat Him... Chapter Twenty Six (accompanied by another page full of passport photos) 4. And Sophie of Bruges offered Daniel a cup filled with tea. 5. And Daniel took up the tea and was thankful, saying, Thanks. *The Joinee Counter declares: “901 Joinees”. Returning to the UK, Danny is summoned back to Belgium, to help the Major of Bruges. * In this chapter we are introduced to: 'Sian' at BBC Bristol, 'Sophie', 'Stedelijke Preventiedienst', The Mayor of Bruges, Bruges, The Ambassador Scheme, 'Monica', Joinee Michaels, Lancaster, Joinee Rosenburg, Cardiff University, The Holter-Andersens, Joinee Berens, Chichester. Chapter Twenty Seven (accompanied by a picture of the Horse and Groom's fine dartboard) 18. Then those over whom Daniel had dominion, who were called Join-ees, did each divide their first-born into four parts. '' '' 19. And three parts did they cast away. *The Joinee Counter declares: “990 Joinees”. It's the final count-down. With Danny and Ian. Back in the Horse and Groom. * In this chapter we are introduced to: Joinee Long, Marlborough, Joinee Hopkins, Joinee Jennings, Joinee Jack, Joinee Simms, Bristol, Joinee Bos, Hilvershum, 'Laura Fulford', Joinee Smith, the Tenth, Joinee Allison, Joinee Selby. Chapter Twenty Eight (accompanied by a picture of the Join Me box containing the passport photos of the first 1,000 joinees) 5. And Daniel cried, Hearest thou not, Swiss? *The Joinee Counter declares: “1,000 Joinees”. Danny takes his 1,000 passport photos to Switzerland, to burry them and dedicate the joinees to the memory of Gallus. * In this chapter we are introduced to: Joinee Jenni, Zurich, Bahnhof Strasse, 'Christof' (Joinee 1000), Zurich University. Chapter Twenty Nine (accompanied by a photo of the Karma Army walking along Oxford Street, during the first ever Karmageddon) 11. And Daniel said, Peradventure shall Join Me be called instead Join Him. The first ever Karmageddon! Is this the end? * In this chapter we are introduced to: Karmageddon 1, Joinee Glanvile's mum, 'Wilfried' (another one?), 'Mark', Joinee Bond. Chapter Thirty (accompanied by a passport photo of Hanne) A short letter by Hanne, saying that if she can't beat Danny, at least she can join him. Epilogue (accompanied by a photo of a letter from The Office of HRH The Prince of Wales) 28. And here shall be an end. 29. or shall there be? The Epilogue is updated every edition of the book. And so it'll get it's own page devoted to it, here...